The pain of losing your child to an overdose

It’s hard to imagine that a year has passed since May 21, 2016, when I received the news that is every parent’s worst nightmare. I was told over the phone by the RCMP that my only child, Robby, had passed away from an overdose.

He was only 24, and a week later we learned from the coroner that he had died from an accidental fentanyl overdose.

Losing a child to an overdose is no different than losing a child to a disease such as cancer, or to a vehicle accident, or violence. You have joined a club that you never planned or wanted to be part of. Suddenly, the empathy you have felt for other parents’ losses over the years has become a real and tangible thing in your own life.

Your heart, mind and body are shocked into accepting the reality that your child will no longer walk through your door, sit at family dinners, send you daily texts, or share their hopes and dreams for their future. The pain of losing a child is like no other. I’ve experienced losses in my life — my grandparents, my parents and an ugly divorce — but nothing in life prepared me for this kind of pain.

What is different about losing a child to an overdose? It’s the layers that unravel after your child is gone. Every part of your being as a parent yearns to protect your child starting at that glorious moment of birth. You have invested years supporting him through his struggles and have tirelessly worked through many challenges, advocating for supports and services — ever hopeful for recovery, ever hopeful for your child’s wellness.

You find your mind reviewing every conversation you had with your child. What didn’t I say? What could I have done more of? Why didn’t I sense something was wrong?

After losing Robby, I felt compelled to connect with other families who have experienced a similar loss. I joined Moms Stop the Harm, a Canada-wide network of moms and families who have all lost someone to an overdose. Sadly, each week we welcome new members as fentanyl leaves behind its deadly wake of deaths across our nation. I bravely share Robby’s story, and I play whatever role I can in supporting a call to action in light of this overdose crisis.

One year later, and the deaths due to fentanyl continue at an unprecedented rate. Despite initial measures implemented by our government, there is little change in the monthly statistics. It is the recreational users and those like my son, who use substances in the privacy of their homes, who are making the headlines each week.

Clearly, the initial measures are not affecting these individuals; this speaks volumes as to what is lacking in our approach to addiction. Clearly, it will take a brave and bold political will to stem the heartbreaking loss of so many individuals in our province, and our nation.

Countries such as Portugal have led the way for us. The evidence is there to guide those who delegate funding to this issue. This aspect of addiction really is about priorities. So what is my dream for the future?

• Our approach to addiction needs to change from a criminal-justice focus to a public-health approach. Individuals struggling with addiction have the right to proper medical care and deserve the same level of support and treatment options as anyone else.
• Free access to naloxone in all provinces.
• Early identification, intervention and prevention supports (mental health and addiction) must be developed at a middle/high school level to better support educators, families and youth.
• Medically supervised drugs such as heroin should be approved to improve the health and safety for those with long-term drug-addiction challenges.
• The stigma around drug addiction must end. Uneducated and uninformed opinions only serve to prevent people from getting the help they need. Overcoming stigma can be a major step forward in a person’s journey toward recovery.

What is it like to lose a child due to overdose? You go forward in life because you really don’t have a choice. It’s not about bravery or coping well. Like other bereaved parents, you soon recognize that you will carry this pain for a lifetime.

Time does not make the empty space less empty. You learn to pick up the pieces and move forward, but your life will never be the same.

Jennifer Howard

Times Colonist, MAY 24, 2017

Families affected by overdose crisis call on provincial parties to commit new cannabis tax revenue to substance use treatment and prevention

Victoria, BC, April 24, 2018

A coalition of B.C. families whose loved ones have died from substance use are calling on provincial party leaders to commit to fully investing revenue generated from the taxation and regulation of cannabis into substance use prevention and treatment.

In an open letter delivered to party leaders today, the family groups requested that 100 per cent of tax revenue received by the province from the sale of cannabis and after regulatory expenses are accounted for be directed to address the public health emergency declared last April in response to substance use overdoses and deaths.

“Canada’s plan to tax and regulate the adult use of cannabis will create a new source of revenue that can and must be invested by the province to address substance use,” the letter states.

The federal government recently introduced legislation that would tax and regulate the adult use of cannabis in Canada. The amount of tax revenue that would be generated is unknown, but a report published in the International Journal of Drug Policy in 2012 found that the cannabis market in B.C. alone could be worth $500-million annually.

Quotes:

“The opioid epidemic and the problems of addiction and drug related death in general are a set of incredibly complex problems. There is no one solution. All of the solutions lie in evidence-based research and concrete actions. We have the human resources to do this – what we need is the money. Net tax revenue from cannabis sales is where the new money is. It must be used in solving problems of substance use.”

Leslie McBain - Moms Stop The Harm

Leslie is the mother of Jordan Miller, who died of overdose on February 4, 2014

“Today’s fentanyl crisis is just the tip of an iceberg which has been growing for many years. From Grief to Action was founded as a group of parents and family members of people struggling with addiction to drugs in 1999 when the then-coroner was calling drug deaths a medical emergency. We have been working ever since to increase the amount of prevention, treatment, and rehabilitation available in this province. Although some things have improved we still have month-long waiting lists for treatment, a woeful lack of access to psychiatric expertise, a complete lack of services for concurrent disorders, and a health care system where addiction is the bottom of the list for funding.”

Nichola Hall - From Grief to Action

Nichola has two sons who have been on methadone for several years and are still struggling with addiction issues

“It would be grossly irresponsible for the provincial and federal governments to not allocate the taxes received from the sale of legal marijuana to the care and treatment of our substance users. There is no better way to commemorate the lives of the many sons and daughters we have loss due to the opioid crisis than wisely allocating this revenue.”

Jennifer Woodside - Voice of the Family

Jennifer is the mother of Dylan, who died of fentanyl overdose on April 4, 201

“The fentanyl crisis has affected my family dearly. I lost my 20-year-old son in March 2016 and we lost my youngest son's girlfriend exactly five months later in August 2016 to a fentanyl overdose. Immediate funding is urgently required in order to provide treatment options for those who are addicted. We do not have the luxury of time to wait because the fentanyl addiction will kill those people waiting to get treatment and help.

Michelle Jansen - The Brandon Jansen Foundation

Michelle is the mother of Brandon, who died of overdose while in rehab

National anti-stigma campaign is needed

Leslie McBain, Pender Island, BC

From April 4 to 6, 2017, I was in Ottawa to attend the Drug Futures Forum, a conference around the topic of how drug policy might and should look in ten years’ time. Many of the attendees and many of the speakers are known to me as the Canadian network of people working for harm reduction measures is relatively small. But they are a powerful and educated bunch.

Because the scene around illicit drugs is so very dire right now, much focus was on the immediate situation. It seems that everyone knows that we need to pursue decriminalization, accessible prescription heroin, safe consumption sites, legalization and regulation of cannabis as well as eventually all other drugs.

Also, it is agreed that we need further research in all areas. The problem is convincing the legislators to change policies to reflect what we know to be true. This necessitates high level research, which in turn takes funding. I was able to meet privately with Health Minister Jane Philpott as well as ADM Hilary Geller and MP Elizabeth May. Each meeting had a similar outcome. These legislators and politicians are on board with harm reduction, but feel that the Canadian electorate is still immersed in the stigmatized and ill-informed thinking about addiction and people who are drug dependent.

Speaking on behalf of all of us, I suggested a national anti-stigma campaign, and on Lorna Thomas’s idea of creating a grief support system for families who have lost loved one. The Minister was interested in both. I will continue to be the polite but persistent squeaky wheel.

MSTH founding member Leslie McBain meeting with Jane Philpott, Federal Minister of Health

On Jessie's Birthday, we were honored in the Manitoba Legislative Assembly

“…on Jessie's Birthday, we were honored in the Manitoba Legislative Assembly. My M.L.A. James Allum read out a Members Statement. It was a beautiful tribute to my son and for all the difficult work that I have done. He wrote a very personal and moving speech. It was quite an honor and very emotional. My son now will forever have his name in the house on March 20th his Birthday. The whole house, which I have met a few, no matter what Party they belong to all know our story and applauded knowing that this has been very hard and our grateful for my efforts. Fentanyl and opioids are touching all families from all walks of life and people are scared. I was given a beautiful plaque with what James had read out. Now next year on Jessie's Birthday maybe it won’t be so difficult. Maybe I will think of that day different. It will be about how him and I got a award for all the difficult work and how we maybe saved some lives.

Manitoba regional leaders Arlene Kolb and Chris Dobbs

Why did it take me 3 years to get my Naloxone kit?

It took me a long time to get my own kit, thankfully not for lack of access but because of the need to overcome my own feelings of guilt fur not having gone to Danny's house that night almost 3 years ago, and for not having known that naloxone existed. As a proponent of this live saving tool

I felt like a bit of a cheat not to have one. Well, I slayed another dragon in my grief process and am now the owner of a kit that I am proud to carry, but hope not to have reason to use. Do you have your own kit? Visit our resources page to find out where you can get your own kit.