December Blog for Navigating the Holidays

There are many things involved in losing a loved one to substance use disorder, accidental overdose, and health issues brought on by use of damaging substances that complicate the grieving process for many of us. The type of loss we are experiencing is called Disenfranchised Grief, which is defined as “grief that persons experience when they incur a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned or publicly mourned” (Doka, 1989)

Holidays and family gatherings are some of the most challenging dates on a calendar to navigate after losing a loved one while we may be feeling “disenfranchised grief.” These moments can be especially difficult as it triggers memories of family gatherings past and can intensify our feelings of loss.  There is no “right” or “wrong” way to approach the holiday season or any time of the year for that matter. The truth is that every day we grieve our loved ones. That will never change.

Whether you are newly grieving or further down the journey of loss, everyone will approach family events and special occasions in their own unique way. What is important to remember is that we be present for our loss in whatever form the holidays do or don’t take.  This is definitely a time to be gentle with yourself.  Making sure you lower your expectations and share with others about what you need is important during this time. Give yourself permission to feel and experience anything that might come your way. Planning ahead for what you need is important.  Sharing your plans with family and friends is essential, as they may not know how to support you through this time. 

Everyone’s situation is unique. Here are some tips for coping with with grief:

• Continue traditions that you enjoy and leave out those that you don’t,

• Remind yourself that it’s okay to laugh as well as cry.

• Talk with other bereaved people, family or friends to ask how they get through the holidays.

• Write in your journal.

• Look for unique ways to honour your loved one:

  • make their favourite meal,

  • listen to their favourite song,

  • light a special candle with an intention,

  • make a memorial planting in a garden,

  • make a donation to a meaningful charity in their name,

  • say a prayer at your place of worship,

  • donate of your time at something that is important to you.

Just remember that these days may be some of the roughest terrains we will have to navigate after a loss. The important thing is to be present in whatever form that means to you. These days will happen whether we want them to or not, and we must live through them as part of our grief journey and in the memory of our loved ones.

Be kind and gentle with yourself and listen to your soul. It will guide you through the difficult days.

---

For further resources, please check out these links:

Healing Hearts with Moms Stop The Harm: Peer Bereavement Support Groups

Disenfranchised Grief: 64 Examples of Disenfranchised Grief

Gone Too Soon: Navigating Grief And Loss As A Result Of Substance Use Loss

64 Tips for Coping with Grief At The Holiday

Canadian Virtual Hospice: How To Survive The Holidays While You Are Grieving

Reference: Doka K. Disenfranchised Grief: Recognizing Hidden Sorrow. New York, NY: Lexington Books; 1989.

Memorial Photos - Victoria and Mission, BC.

October 3, 2020 - MSTH members gathered in Victoria for another series of photos in Uplands Park in remembrance of loved ones who died from overdose. (Photo Credit - Rick Collins Photography)

---

October 17, 2020 - MSTH members gathered in Mission BC on Braich Family lands for a series of photos in remembrance of loved ones who died from overdose. (Photo credit David Campion)

---

MSTH members have organized these events locally. We now have memorial photo shoots in remembrance of our loved ones in the following cities.

• Kelowna, BC.

• Vancouver, BC.

• Powell River, BC.

• Niagara Falls, ON.

• Edmonton, AB.

• Piikani Reserve in Brocket, AB

• Regina, SK

• Montreal, QC (Spring, 2021)

If you would like to organize an event in your area, please contact us for more information at info@momsstoptheharm.com

MSTH Updates from Quebec - Board Member, Isabelle Fortier

A lot is happening for MSTH in the province of Quebec!

Since the beginning of September, we now have a Francophone Facebook group to connect with our French-speaking families.  We also worked hard to get some of the MSTH website pages translated, so French-speakers who are not comfortable with English can easily access the information on our site, join the organization and become advocates.  We had two Zoom meetings with some of our families, in order to exchange and to get to know each other better.  Some families who have lost a loved one, some families with someone suffering with Substance Use Disorder. The conversations did a lot of good for many of us, since we now feel that we are connected, feel less isolated and are there for one another. This will eventually become our Healing Hearts and Holding Hope support groups.  As for now, we are keeping it quite informal, since we only have 155 members and only a dozen or so who participated in the Zoom. However, we will continue to recruit members and will search for good group leaders who are willing to get involved in leading our support groups.

Our next tasks will be:

• to recruit new members from the province,

• to have advocates from everywhere in the province joining in our mission,

• to help with the national petition to the MPs,

• to network with families from outside of the Montreal Metro area,

• to continue with the translation of the website (we found two wonderful and amazing translators from Rhizome Translation who are doing an amazing job!),

• to support our other board members from western Canada and Ontario in their respective tasks,

• to research and list the different resources for treatment and for families and condense them into a resources guide,

• to hold a white crosses photoshoot in the spring of 2021.

Please connect with us on Facebook or email us for more information

Voilà! We are evolving and becoming stronger together, d’un océan à l’autre!

BC Provincial Project Underway - Stronger Together!

BC Stronger Together Project

Stronger Together is now actively underway across British Columbia. The primary goals of the project are to:

• Build capacity for family-led support groups in regions and towns where little or none exists: Healing Hearts (for families experiencing the grief of losing a loved one to drugs), and Holding Hope (for families with loved ones using drugs).

• Train and support families with lived experience who are interested in facilitating family-led support groups in their community.

• Understand the impact of substance use on BC families.

• Advocate to the Ministry of Mental Health and Addictions (project funder) to address systemic barriers and help families find balance and peace within these struggles.

Progress so far:

• In September 2020, a survey was sent out to both MSTH members and family-serving organizations throughout BC. The survey asked families/agencies what supports were needed in their communities and included an invitation to assist in expanding support to families who are grieving and to those who are supporting a loved one who is struggling through the development of Healing Hearts and Holding Hope support groups. The response has been wonderful. From small communities up North, to First Nations communities and beyond, the response has underlined the importance of strengthening support to families impacted by the overdose crisis in the province of BC.

• The Stronger Together team was also pleased to bring on board Dr. Jamie Piercy, a UBC researcher who is studying the impact of the overdose crisis on families in this province. Her findings will assist this project in communicating to our provincial government bodies the urgent need for support to families. The survey will be released in November 2020.

The expansion of Healing Hearts Bereavement Support Groups and Holding Hope Family Support Groups will take place in the spring of 2021, as we assist new facilitators to become trained.

If you live in BC and would like to become trained to facilitate a support group, contact us at strongertogether@momsstoptheharm.com.

December 2020 - Co-Founder updates

---

MSTH co-founder Leslie McBain

Hello all,

A lot less travelling and not going to in-person meetings, has actually given me more time to be involved in virtual meetings, write, answer individual letters and respond to media. COVID has not been a negative in this regard. In most other ways of course it has been and is a disaster for all.

I have spoken publicly during COVID many times on why the epidemic of toxic drug deaths has increased, why the drugs are more poisonous, why people are using alone, how the government is not attending to this epidemic, and how stigmatized thinking has been the ‘driver’ of inaction in all governments.

I have created a committee of MSTH Moms to delve deep into the disaster apparent in most recovery and treatment facilities. We have members across Canada whose loved ones have died ‘in care’ because of lack of oversight, weak regulations, insufficient training of staff and many other problems. We are in dialogue with the BC office of Strategic Initiatives and will resume meeting after government is formed. 

(If there are MSTH members who have had bad experiences with their loved ones in treatment in BC please email me at momsstoptheharm@gmail.com)

It becomes more apparent than ever that we must push the feds, provinces and municipalities for a safe regulated legal supply of drugs for people who need them – we can drastically lower the number of deaths with safe supply in place. Complex but not impossible!

MSTH has received a substantial grant from the province of BC to support families in BC who experience the grief of losing a loved one or have a loved one struggling. We are additionally waiting for (hopefully good) news on whether we will receive a federal grant to do the same across the country.

Leslie

---

MSTH co-founder Petra Schulz

A challenging year is more challenging to those of us who are grieving or supporting a loved one living with substance use or in recovery.  The intersection of COVID-19 and the drug poisoning crisis has brought us more heartache in the form of unprecedented overdose death rates in every province and territory. 

Public health measures designed to keep us safe from the Coronavirus means that people are isolated, and more people use and die alone. At the same time harm reduction programs, such as consumption services operate at reduced capacity, as do treatment services and many other services. 

The measures that would keep people alive, most notably providing a safe supply of pharmaceutical alternatives to toxic street drugs, are only available to a limited number of people in Ontario and in BC.  At the same time, provincial governments stand by while our loved ones die with the unhelpful mantra of “don’t use, you might die”. We all know that if it was as easy as telling people to abstain because using could be risky we would not be where we are right now. 

Some governments, most notably in Alberta, go further than idly standing by. In the province, I call home harm reduction and even treatment services are actively being dismantled with the closure of the consumption site in Lethbridge and the phasing out of the high success injectable Opioid Agonist Treatment (iOAT) program in Edmonton and Calgary. iOAT is designed for people for whom all other treatment options have not worked. Many describe this program as life-saving and may fear for their lives, should it be canceled. 

With COVID restrictions in place, the board has taken this opportunity created by the fact that we are all stuck at home to get together via on-line meetings to develop a strategic plan that will take us into the future. We are looking for more ways to engage advocates, which proves challenging as we grow as an organization and as more people turn to us for support. 

We are also supporting initiatives where people fight back against a system that is ignoring our loved ones. We had Moms with protesters in Vancouver giving out safe supply and in Lethbridge supporting volunteers at an unsanctioned overdose prevention site. We had members protest at the steps of the legislature in Winnipeg and in front of government buildings in Victoria. We raised our collective voices in creative ways on overdose awareness day and took our message on-line with billboards showing images of our loved ones and with hundreds of pairs of shoes representing those lost in 2017 on the Burrard Street Bridge in Vancouver and a park in Edmonton. 

As we worry about what the winter, the pandemic, and more overdose reports will bring, we have to remind ourselves that each voice is important and collectively we are strong. While we are physically isolated, we can get together as permitted in each region. We can get together on-line. We can educate our family,  friends, neighbors, and politicians in a simple way. Share your story, share the story of your loved one.  When we open hearts, we open minds, and open minds will more likely understand that it is time for a change. 

Petra