A mom's letter to a son on the anniversary of his death

By Karen Huggins, Calgary, AB

Dear Nathan,

Just a short year ago, my whole world changed in an instant when I found you dead in your bed at around 1:00 in the afternoon. One of the branches of my family tree irrevocably gone, never to return. I’ve spent a lot of time this past year searching past events for a moment in which I might have made a difference in the ultimate outcome; a word or two that may have helped you to understand just how loved you were, how important you are to me, to the whole family, to your friends, to Rosalind. I’ve arrived at no firm conclusions, except for the fact that I needed to understand substance use disorder much better than I did before your fatal overdose…and that I can’t blame myself for that lack of knowledge.

In the thick of trying to help you and keep you alive, there were no road signs leading me to the proper information, no health professionals providing information on opioid addiction and the risks involved with detox, rehab, and being signed out of the system far too early with no proper support and after care. The whole experience was like finding myself in a maze...blindfolded. I’ve had to educate myself this past year, and wish so much that this information had been forthcoming last year, before you took that last dose of fentanyl and never woke up again.

I’m so sorry Nathan. I’m sorry for you, for myself, and for everyone who cared so deeply about you. You were an amazingly intelligent person with an uncommon intellectual curiosity. You are someone who could have made some positive changes in the world on so many different levels. While you were in rehab, I often thought about how much you could contribute to others with substance use disorder through speaking at schools, community centres, conferences…you were always a gifted public speaker, and I felt you could likely communicate well with a group of teenagers who might be living a troubled existence and keen on using drugs to hide away from their pain. But this opportunity was never to be.

Instead, Rosalind and Jessica and I decided to pick up the pieces when you left, and are trying to make a difference in the lives of others. I will not let your death be in vain…unintentionally, you left behind a legacy that needs to be honoured. We are working very hard to change the face of addiction, both in terms of changing policies and strategies, as well as at the grass roots level.

Some days this is hard…grieving your death is hard work. Some days I don’t want to get out of bed. Some days it’s all I can do to ‘act’ normal, whatever that is. I’m still struggling to find the 'new' normal, to not constantly feel that huge hole in my heart. And then there are some days I feel a little better, and understand that I do have the strength within to carry on, live my life well, and move forward in making changes to the outdated policies and strategies and the stigma that have been a hallmark of addictions and mental health services for far too many years.

Your beautiful niece and two adorable little nephews are a huge help to me in this ‘carrying on’ part…we talk about you to them so that they’ll remember Uncle Nathan as they get older. You would get such a kick out of them and their antics!

I keep working away at this whole grief process, and one thing I know: I am so grateful that you are my son, and that I had the honour and pleasure of raising you and having you be a part of my life for almost 35 years. You brought a beautiful light to my life that I’ll always treasure. I just really miss you – your dry wit, your kindness, your love of animals, your beautiful smile, your brightness, your hugs. I wish you so much love and light always.

Love and hugs,

Mom

Just imagine - life without your child

Just imagine

Just imagine having a beautiful baby boy, he was perfect in all ways, right from his chubby toes right up to his beautiful face.

Just imagine all his firsts! His smile, sitting, crawling, standing, walking, foods, teeth, haircut, first friendships!

Just imagine going through each developmental stage and milestone. Playing at the parks, going for walks each day and putting him down for a sleep each night and waking up to his beautiful smiling face each morning.

Just imagine going to birthday parties he was invited to, picking him up from school or daycare everyday. Making him dinner every night, and cuddling on the couch after dinner.

Just imagine watching him grow and learn new things everyday and how his mind is expanding with each piece of knowledge he soaks in. With each question he asks and how he just ponders about the answer.

Just imagine his first day of school, the excitability and nervousness all together. The stories he has when the day is done and your coming home on the bus and his little mouth can't stop because his day was fantastic!

Just imagine the dreams or nightmares and your all he has and he is your entire world. Your one of many jobs is to keep him safe and protected.

Just imagine your "little boy" coming out to you just before bedtime and saying "Mom, you don't have to tuck me in anymore, I'm a big boy now" and how that just made your heart sink.

My little boy is growing up.

Just imagine his first job that he got. How proud and excited he was to be making his own money and the responsibility that comes with it.

Just imagine him going out on his own with the friends you hope are good. You hope you have instilled the right morals and taught him well.

Just imagine him to be a natural athlete, that any sport he picked up he excelled at. The one most important to him was skateboarding.

Just imagine him coming home with friends he wants to protect and give them shelter because they don't have a safe place to go and he feels his home is safe, warm and comfortable. You know then, you have a son who has a heart of gold and it's one more thing to be proud of him for.

Just imagine all those random texts of him still telling you about his day or funny things he's seen or just to say hello.

Just imagine him getting his learners and is now learning to drive in your vehicle and how nervous you are but how excited he is!

Just imagine going bed shopping for his 18th birthday, trying to get him ready to move out on his own one day and the smile on his face because it was his choice which one.

Just imagine him working hard everyday and saving his own money, and buying his first car and how proud he is and how proud you are, but your still nervous because he's your only baby.

Just imagine your son has just turned the adult age, you've gone through the trials and tribulations of adolescents, you've both survived! Your excited and sad at the same time.

Just imagine walking in his room just months after his 19th birthday, to find him in his warm, safe and comfortable bed, dead. The screams and cry's coming from your mouth. The agony you feel as you try to bring him back to life. The 9-1-1 call you make, in hopes they can resuscitate him because you couldn't. The words coming from the paramedics mouth "I'm sorry".

Just imagine the heartbreak, the overwhelming feeling of losing your only child, the one who you raised and became the compassionate man he was.

Just imagine not ever being able to see, hear or hug your child again. The emptiness that will always linger, a part of you always missing. Feeling incomplete.

Just imagine trying to hold yourself up, while crying uncontrollably inside and out, while everyone else is moving about. Time does not stand still for anybody.

Just imagine trying to make sense of it all, the reasoning behind the loss, if any. The faith you once had is now gone and your belief system has now been altered.

Just imagine the new journey you've have been forced into living and trying to adapt to your new reality with all your mixed emotions of life, you push through even though you don't want to.

Now...this is all you have.

Just imagine his adulthood, his wedding, as he'd be in love and would have treated her like a princess, his children, he would have been the most active father, because his was absent, his first home, because he worked so hard to get.

Just imagine I would have been the most proudest grandmother and I am the most proudest mother. For my son has given me so much and yet left me with so much more to learn.

Just imagining, it's all I have.

Curtis Kozak

August 9, 1995 - November 27, 2014

The issue of poisoning by adding fentanyl to other drugs

Lorrie Maude lost her brother to fentanyl poinsening after the drugs he was using where laced with this synthetic opioid. Here are her thoughts on this issue.

In a nutshell, I think the increase in deaths in BC, Alberta and the rest of Canada...really North America, is due to dealers, driven by greed, cutting Fentanyl into heroin and cocaine without the patron's knowledge. They are also crushing up fentanyl and repressing them into pills and marketing them as a more a expensive drug, such as OxyContin. People, like my brother, who have used heroin (or other drug) for many years and are probably better at eyeballing a hit than a nurse or an experienced bartender is at measuring an ounce of vodka, are taking their usual amount to stay well or to get a buzz only to be found dead later and labelled as another "overdose" victim. If a mother of 3 was found dead after drinking a glass of wine and the wine was found to have fentanyl in it, would we say she drank herself to death? If the heroin had Cyanide in it, would they then call it a poisoning.

I do not want my brother's death or anyone else's death to be called an overdose under these circumstances. This insinuates that due to their miscalculation, their mistake, they died by their own hand. Reminds me of when they used to ask the victim of a rape what she was wearing or what she was doing to entice their attacker. Our loved ones survived the streets; they survived beatings, they survived jail, they survived police brutality, they survived sicknesses most of us will never experience; they survived the daily grind of living with addiction. Everyday for them was a war and they were warriors...fighting their demons and struggling to find sobriety for short stretches and sometimes for longer ones... these people were fighters. Saying they overdosed is like the final kick in the teeth that they do not deserve. They did not do this to themselves. They were poisoned. Their lives were robbed. They were killed I would like to stop using the word "overdose".

Drug addiction has stolen so many lives & we all have our pain.

Although I try to stay out of the media due to public opinion on my son's case, I do occasionally feel I need to speak out. I cannot even imagine the pain of losing a child or loved one to a drug overdose. I came close to losing my son as well. He had a severe opioid addiction. I slept in fear of a call coming. That call was about his arrest & my world fell apart. It's a nightmare our family deals with every single day. The public judges him on media information. They don't know him so assume he's a horrible person who had no regard for human life. He's not. He is kind & caring & ready to help anyone. His addiction took away the ability to think of dangers and consequences. I am not defending him because he's my son. I'm defending him because I know who he is deep down & that he's not someone who was in a dangerous lifestyle to make profit off others addictions. He had lost everything due to his addiction. He made bad choices due to his own addiction. I don't think he could have made the right choices at that point when his addiction became so severe. We had no idea it was opioids. He is 1 year clean now but will live the nightmare of his past for the rest of his life. I can't speak about his case as it's before the courts but please, before you judge, I ask that you reserve judgement until all the facts are out. The pain we are all in while he faces an uncertain future & the pain he has been through fighting this addiction & living with everything that happened as a result is something I can't begin to describe. I am a mom too & I am hurting too. My son didn't die but it was a matter of time. Of course he will have to pay the price to society that the courts decide. We always taught our kids to obey the law & respect the law. This horror we live with isn't something we ever could have imagined. Every time the media shows his story again, we are sick. My heart is with all mom's who have lost a child. I know you don't know me or my son so you may hate us & that's your right but I just needed to say my side.

Drug addiction has stolen so many lives & we all have our pain.

Thank you,

Tina Yarmey

Brandon Jansen inquest brings 21 recommendations to reduce illicit drug deaths

Here are the jury’s 21 recommendations:

To: The Minister of Health

1. Develop specific substance use treatment facility regulations under the Community Care and Assisted Living Act, including with respect to educational qualifications for persons working in such facilities.
2. Ensure free opioid maintenance drugs in the community for people leaving correction centres.
3. Review the need for increasing the number of supervised consumption sites rather than overdose prevention sites.
4. Explore options to create a shared database for the treatment of substance abuse to include medical, psychiatric, criminal and substance abuse treatment records.
5. Explore options for critical incident information sharing with respect to unexpected deaths in substance use facilities among licensees and Health Authorities with the goal of enhancing client safety and risk prevention.
6. Develop standards of practice for treating persons with opioid addictions.
7. Provide, develop and improve adolescent substance abuse treatment facilities.

To: The Minister of Health and CEOs of Regional Health Authorities

1. Consult with persons with lived experience with substance use dependency in policy and program development.

To: The CEOs of Regional Health Authorities

1. Require all substance use treatment centres to educate clients with opioid use disorders about opioid maintenance treatments, the risks of relapse, ensure the understanding of tolerance levels, training for the use of naloxone, and provision of naloxone kits upon discharge.
2. Require all substance use treatment programs to report back to health authorities on client outcomes.
3. Provide opioid dependent users ready access to opioid replacement interventions.
4. Expand diacetylmorphine and hydromorphone treatment programs for chronic opioid users

To: The Minister of Public Safety and Solicitor General

1. Develop a standard of practice for inmate community release, including the requirement that inmates on opioid maintenance treatment are assigned to community physicians capable of treating them. Inmates also need the ability to apply for social assistance and housing prior to release.

To: The Minister of Education:

1. Conduct a review of approved drug education resources in line with current evidence based research. Implement into the education curriculum a substance abuse and addiction program, starting at the elementary level by giving the teachers the resources and tools needed.
2. Have Noloxone kits available in the school system with trained personal on site.

To: The Director of the BC Centre on Substance Use

1. Embark on comparative research of substance use treatment modalities with the goal of determining the features that lead to better client outcomes.

To: The Registrar of the College of Physicians and Surgeons of British Columbia

To: The Chair of the British Columbia Medical Association

To: The Board Chair of the College of Registered Nurses of British Columbia, and

To: The President of the British Columbia Nurse Practitioner Association

1. Ensure membership is aware that Suboxone is a first line treatment option for opioid use disorder, as well as the risks and benefits of Suboxone relative to methadone.

To: The CEO Sunshine Coast Health Centre

1. Review security procedures and training with all staff.

To: The CEO all Licensed Substance Use Treatment Centres

1. Review guidelines regarding cell phone / Electronic device polices.
2. Ensure all baggage is searched on entering the facility including clients and visitors.
3. Consider greater security measures for monitoring clients and visitors. e.g.- Fob System for door; – Video System